I’ve become the person
you thought I could not be
I’ve done the things
you said I wasn’t brave enough to do
I found my true self in the arms of others,
once I had decided I wouldn’t let myself be smothered
I gave so much to myself,
I forgave myself
For myself I provided love,
for myself I provided life;
the kind I needed
to be able to put down that metaphorical knife
I asked the Universe for help, I pleaded
to grow into the person I now know –
the version of me who exceeded the old me
and made her take a bow
Sometimes I look back but then I run
for the things you said I couldn’t,
but have now done
Everything feels so much heavier without her
My phone, heavy in my hand –
yearning to call and hear her voice
My head, heavy
with my mushed up brains from all the crying
My insides, heavy
from worry and sadness
My steps, heavy
when I step on the graveyard
My hands, heavy
when I shovel ground on her coffin
My heart, so heavy
when I think about her fragile arms around me,
her telling me she loves me
My heart, so heavy
when I think about the last view I got of her –
at the door of her flat
“I’ll see you soon, I love you.”
My heart, so heavy
I love myself with my fingers
I love myself with thoughts;
thoughts that are hazy
This is the way I stain myself
electrify myself from the inside
and outside I rub myself dirty
I wish I felt like I was worthy
of words and the tickling sensation
deep in my belly
Closing my eyes takes me away
I hide deeper under the duvet;
my arms feel weak
from all the pulling and pushing
and the ambushing I am the subject of
Silence is the remedy
(Sometimes I think I don’t want to live
and that is when I’m not here)
I pour coffee
I buy flowers
I look at the lights
I lie down
“I don’t want to die,” I say
while I nervously roll
a strand of hair around my finger
“I don’t want to die,” I repeat
while I drift off to somewhere
“I truly do not want to die,” I say again
while I chew my fingernails
and then spit them out
“I still don’t want to die,” I say
while wishing I did
It’s the biggest dilemma of all;
dreading the fall
but not being able to stand tall
I don’t want to touch the darkness
even though I often cringe at light
I open the door of the sauna and feel the cold wind hit my overly warm, naked body. My skin is covered in little drops of sweat but they quickly disappear in the freezing evening air. The only lights around are the Christmas lights arranged on the spruces across the garden and the ones coming from inside the house. I have an overwhelming desire to sit in the snow – to just sit there, to be surrounded by snow but the bottom of my feet have started to freeze. I grab two fistfuls of snow and rub it across my shoulders, on my chest and my legs. I think of how good it is to be right here, right now. In the absolute silence, surrounded by fields and snow and nature. My thoughts, however, are disturbed by the prickling sensation of my bare feet sticking to the icy pathway… I quickly run back inside the sauna.
It’s like time is slowing down. I’m lying in bed with my eyes fixated on this street lamp just outside our apartment. I have a sniffling, sighing, slightly snoring someone sleeping next to me. Other than that, it is so very quiet and the snow is falling slowly, it’s like I can see every single flake individually. I wish I could put them all in a bottle and have them there, dancing, reminding me of this moment in the orange light. This reminds me of the times when I, as a teenager, stayed up until god knows how long and never wanted the nights to end. Night time, my time; a safe place. Snow falling, an orange light. Peace. Note to self: remember.
I am 5 years old. I am outside our apartment building, playing with my two friends who are twin boys. We are out on the field, in the neighbour’s raspberry bushes. I get my first kiss… two of them!
I am 7, and it’s the first day of school. My mom walks me all the way to the door of the classroom. I peek in the room, then quickly walk up to the teacher and say, “I will sing alone, by the way!”
I am 10 years old. I am sitting in the classroom, in fourth grade. The teacher walks up to me and says I need to go meet someone outside, in the hallway. Once outside, I see my mother. Her face is red and her eyes all puffy, glistening with tears. She tells me my grandfather, her father, has passed away.
23 October, 2016
Autumn has always been my favourite season. One of my first ever online names was quite close to something like “autumn melody”; my friends still remember that, and tease me for it. Me and clichés? Never.
For the longest time, as soon as the leaves start changing colour and the air gets crisp, I have had the urge to light candles and soak in fall themed movies like Annie Hall, Dead Poets Society, You’ve Got Mail, When Harry Met Sally,… the list is endless.
I have never been crazy about Halloween, like a lot of fall-loving people are. It is just a time when I feel at home the most but also oddly have the biggest urge to escape. Although in a weird way, I love the familiarness of it. Does that make sense?
The escapist in me dreams about walking strange streets and cosying up in the most perfect, unknown apartment somewhere. In my head, I make the most familiar things and places look new and exciting. Autumn is also the best time to peek through windows. Most people who know me well know that I love looking into people’s homes when it’s dark outside. In the non-creepiest way possible, of course…
On those cold autumn evenings, after having a (very non-creepy) walk outside, I light candles and turn on my fairy lights. I make a cup of tea and grab my blanket and a book… or maybe write down a few words if I’m not feeling too lazy.
The only sad thing about autumn to me is that it is gone way too soon.
24 September, 2016
It’s dark in this hostel room. My friend is asleep, it’s her birthday today. I can hear her breathe and I can hear all the noises outside and in the hallway – cars, people. I love every little sound, I’m surrounded by life and it all makes me feel so very safe.
Tomorrow morning when I wake up I will look out of the window and there will be people on the window sills across the street, smoking. There will be sun and shadows on the walls and I’ll take a picture to remember them. I will go out and take in the fresh air, then I’ll step on the metro to find an adventure…
I live for this, I do.