18 August, 2015
18:12 pm

There’s two girls sitting at the table next to me, the other one helping the other one with math and Finnish. They remind me of me and one of my friends who used to help me with school – even though I’m quite sure these girls are actually sisters.

The younger one is dressed in a more youthful way. She’s wearing a choker necklace. The older one looks more mature. They are talking about one of the books and she says, “in my time we didn’t have those” … I suddenly feel longing for my time in high school. Only momentarily, though.

I am happy where I am right now.

In high school I wasn’t doing so well with my studies. I had the drive but for some reason life was hard. I had these moments of clarity, these moments of happiness that kept me going but not everything felt right.

My favourite moments were the ones I shared with the previously mentioned friend, they often let me stay at theirs. The nights we were looking at the sunset which could be seen through the factory smoke. The noodles eaten together after school. The Sunday mornings in their living room; the sun coming in and the absolute silence (except for the music they were playing on their piano). Us lying in their bed, dreaming of Helsinki and dreaming of love. Typing letters on their typewriter, cooking together. Those are the times that I cherish, the times that I long for.

I know there’s no going back physically, but in my mind I sometimes wander there. … I take the bus to town, walk over to their building, take the elevator up, walk through that front door, drop my shoes off, greet their father (whom I shared an eerily similar taste in music with), enter their room and sit on their bed. We listen to music, we talk, it gets dark. I feel like there’s a whole future ahead of me and I hope there’s something wonderful out there.

Today, at this moment, I know that there is.

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