Dear father…

You were in my dream not many nights ago. I dreamt that you replied to my letter. You were upset. I had ruined everything and you did not want me in your life.

I can’t remember the details, just your face – which is funny because I have never seen it in person. I know I just constructed your “face” from about a gazillion dark featured men that I have seen or met in my life but in a surreal way it did feel oddly real.

The few pictures that I have seen of you have shown me gentle features. In my dream, your eyebrows were in a deep frown and your dark hair all ruffled from you shaking in distress.

In my letter to you I told you that you had no responsibility to reply. I said I would understand so now, not having heard from you, I feel like a petulant child even thinking about your reasons when I specifically said you didn’t have to have any. It’s the what if’s that sometimes take over my mind. “What if I had slipped a picture of myself in the envelope, would a face have helped?”, I often wonder.

Whether we meet or not, whether I hear from you or not and even though my heart might hurt a little… I like to believe that I will get past all of this. Most importantly, I will not forget you and I will keep you in my thoughts. To me, you are with me. Wherever I go and whatever I do, you are there – even if you didn’t know it yourself.

I am not less of a person without you, I am not hopeless without you and I can (and I will) bloom without you.

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