Holding my heart

I like to wander but sometimes when I wander around alone I feel like I’m drowning. But how can you drown in the middle of the day while you’re walking on the street when there’s only pavement under your feet and the only smell of chlorine you can smell comes from the spa you pass? Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating when I hang up the phone and sometimes really late at night I feel hopeless and there are tears on my cheeks and my throat hurts. I get this thing when sometimes when I feel anxious or terrified or even flattered my hands ache all the way to my bones and I just need to clench them together really hard and if someone touches them when I feel that way it makes me shiver and hurt even more and it makes me cry. After a while of holding them, the pain subsides, though. If I say, “my hands are hurting” it means I’m either upset or blushing. Sometimes when it’s sunny outside and I need to squint my eyes it makes me so angry that I want to throw things. Also sometimes when my heart breaks I feel like there is nothing in this whole wide world that could save me and I want to jump out of the window but then I remember how silly that would be and how when I think my heart breaks, it doesn’t, not really. Organs can’t break, not in that sense, anyway. I know that it can hurt really badly, though – my heart. When my heart hurts it really hurts and it feels like it’s clenching itself like I clench my hands when they hurt. The only difference is that my heart isn’t going to get any better if you hold it… If you hold it, it sighs and it’s relieved for a moment and you cuddle but during the cuddle or right after it starts hurting again and you might try letting it go for a while and holding it again but it’s just a vicious cycle. You shouldn’t hold a heart if you’ve made it hurt.

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