(Sometimes I think I don’t want to live
and that is when I’m not here)
I pour coffee
I buy flowers
I look at the lights
I lie down
“I don’t want to die,” I say
while I nervously roll
a strand of hair around my finger
“I don’t want to die,” I repeat
while I drift off to somewhere
“I truly do not want to die,” I say again
while I chew my fingernails
and then spit them out
“I still don’t want to die,” I say
while wishing I did
It’s the biggest dilemma of all;
dreading the fall
but not being able to stand tall
I don’t want to touch the darkness
even though I often cringe at light
I open the door of the sauna and feel the cold wind hit my overly warm, naked body. My skin is covered in little drops of sweat but they quickly disappear in the freezing evening air. The only lights around are the Christmas lights arranged on the spruces across the garden and the ones coming from inside the house. I have an overwhelming desire to sit in the snow – to just sit there, to be surrounded by snow but the bottom of my feet have started to freeze. I grab two fistfuls of snow and rub it across my shoulders, on my chest and my legs. I think of how good it is to be right here, right now. In the absolute silence, surrounded by fields and snow and nature. My thoughts, however, are disturbed by the prickling sensation of my bare feet sticking to the icy pathway… I quickly run back inside the sauna.
It’s like time is slowing down. I’m lying in bed with my eyes fixated on this street lamp just outside our apartment. I have a sniffling, sighing, slightly snoring someone sleeping next to me. Other than that, it is so very quiet and the snow is falling slowly, it’s like I can see every single flake individually. I wish I could put them all in a bottle and have them there, dancing, reminding me of this moment in the orange light. This reminds me of the times when I, as a teenager, stayed up until god knows how long and never wanted the nights to end. Night time, my time; a safe place. Snow falling, an orange light. Peace. Note to self: remember.
I am 5 years old. I am outside our apartment building, playing with my two friends who are twin boys. We are out on the field, in the neighbour’s raspberry bushes. I get my first kiss… two of them!
I am 7, and it’s the first day of school. My mom walks me all the way to the door of the classroom. I peek in the room, then quickly walk up to the teacher and say, “I will sing alone, by the way!”
I am 10 years old. I am sitting in the classroom, in fourth grade. The teacher walks up to me and says I need to go meet someone outside, in the hallway. Once outside, I see my mother. Her face is red and her eyes all puffy, glistening with tears. She tells me my grandfather, her father, has passed away.
23 October, 2016
Autumn has always been my favourite season. One of my first ever online names was quite close to something like “autumn melody”; my friends still remember that, and tease me for it. Me and clichés? Never.
For the longest time, as soon as the leaves start changing colour and the air gets crisp, I have had the urge to light candles and soak in fall themed movies like Annie Hall, Dead Poets Society, You’ve Got Mail, When Harry Met Sally,… the list is endless.
I have never been crazy about Halloween, like a lot of fall-loving people are. It is just a time when I feel at home the most but also oddly have the biggest urge to escape. Although in a weird way, I love the familiarness of it. Does that make sense?
The escapist in me dreams about walking strange streets and cosying up in the most perfect, unknown apartment somewhere. In my head, I make the most familiar things and places look new and exciting. Autumn is also the best time to peek through windows. Most people who know me well know that I love looking into people’s homes when it’s dark outside. In the non-creepiest way possible, of course…
On those cold autumn evenings, after having a (very non-creepy) walk outside, I light candles and turn on my fairy lights. I make a cup of tea and grab my blanket and a book… or maybe write down a few words if I’m not feeling too lazy.
The only sad thing about autumn to me is that it is gone way too soon.
24 September, 2016
It’s dark in this hostel room. My friend is asleep, it’s her birthday today. I can hear her breathe and I can hear all the noises outside and in the hallway – cars, people. I love every little sound, I’m surrounded by life and it all makes me feel so very safe.
Tomorrow morning when I wake up I will look out of the window and there will be people on the window sills across the street, smoking. There will be sun and shadows on the walls and I’ll take a picture to remember them. I will go out and take in the fresh air, then I’ll step on the metro to find an adventure…
I live for this, I do.
Her luscious lips, they haunt my thoughts,
the thoughts that make my thighs quiver
and my lips quiver
My heart quiver
These sinful thoughts that cause my stomach turn and
I cry out for any arms that might be open
“But what would they say?” she says
“No one can ever know,” she says
“Disappointment,” she says
and then she cries
Against the pillows, she cries and she shouts
and she says, “you” …
“I love you, too.”
Sä annat mulle vauhtia keinussa, mulla on keltainen kukka mun hiuksissa
Sun suudelmat on pehmeitä ja mun kämmenissä multaa
Mä sulan, sä oot mulle kultaa
Kohtelet mua ihanasti –
rakas, ollaan näin loppuun asti
Part of me is always yours
You know it,
they must be in your head,
all the words we never said
The tears that made my cheeks wet
in the afternoon
The tears that made us bloom
Against a pink sky
You made me wonder why
During the darkest night
Sigh, so very high
Please, don’t cry